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What is your most terrible memory? Tell your partner something that you like about them already. Note: Each set of questions is designed to be more probing than the previous one.

Find a guy who wants to get to know you on every level possible. I definitely think this is a list of questions that would help two people come to know each other much better. In any case, thanks for the article.



We had not created the 36 questions to help you fall in love. To do a good job of that we would have needed to do a study with people who, above all, came into it really wanting to fall in love, and we were not in that business! More important, we would need to follow up over time to know if the relationships lasted, an expensive process, and funding research on love is not easy. The book and this blog on the , is about what it means to have this important basic trait. Part of that is how it affects relationships, which I discuss in , a book that was motivated by my long time interest in understanding love. These are still two of their very top emailed articles. My husband Arthur Aron, Stony Brook University research professor and I have been studying love since the two of us fell in love, quite a few years ago. He wrote his dissertation on it, and has spent most of his life researching it. The first point we want to make is that the 36 questions were designed for another, equally interesting, purpose besides your falling in love! Do read more about their background, below. But if you stop reading soon, please know that those 36 are only suggestions. If you are going to use this approach with more than one person, or more than once with a particular partner, you may need to make up new questions so your answers don't become rote. Whatever questions you use, they should gradually escalate in personalness. If you don't want to rewrite them, you could use every third or fourth from the list of 36, one or a few from each of the three sections, but always include the ones that build the particular relationship, such as the three things you both have in common. The basis of the 36 questions is that back-and-forth self-disclosure, that increases gradually not too fast , is consistently linked with coming to like the other person you do this with. We just made it a systematic method that could be used in the lab. In more recent research by , another factor is also proving very important -- being responsive to the other's self-disclosure! These factors are important for both starting a relationship, and even more important, for its continued quality. The 36 questions came out of a 1997 study, which was part of the then emerging, now quite substantial scientific study of close relationships. Researchers needed a way to study closeness without it being mixed up with factors such as who chose to be with whom, or the history of the relationship. What was needed was a method to create closeness in the laboratory with strangers, so people could be randomly assigned to various conditions and other variables could be controlled. As such, the method has been used in hundreds of studies and the field has been able to learn a great deal. For example, surveys have consistently found that people who have friends in another ethnic group are less prejudiced against that group. But does being less prejudiced make you have these friends, or does having those friends make you less prejudiced? An experiment can help answer that, using the 36-question method. In , individuals have been randomly assigned to same-sex stranger pairs that are either same ethnicity or cross-ethnicity, and then do the 36 questions. Prejudice was then measured in ways the individuals did not notice, often later and in another context. The results: Those paired with a cross-ethnicity partner became much less prejudiced. So having friends from another ethnic group, however you come by them, does cause less prejudice. This approach has now been applied outside the lab, such as pairing cross-ethnic pairs of entire entering college classes during freshman orientation. It also works with pairs of police and community members in tense cities. It's known that couples are happier who have close friendships with other couples. But again, what causes what? In a clever extension of the basic approach, has had pairs of married couples who don't know each other do the 36 questions as a four-person task. Not only do the two couples get closer to each other, but closeness within each couple increases, and in one recent study, passionate love increased too. We had not created the 36 questions to help you fall in love. To do a good job of that we would have needed to do a study with people who, above all, came into it really wanting to fall in love, and we were not in that business! More important, we would need to follow up over time to know if the relationships lasted, an expensive process, and funding research on love is not easy. Still, all the recent interest in the 36 questions is prompting us to consider doing some systematic studies of how they affect falling in love and including the role of responsiveness as well. It's hard for us forget that in the very first pilot study, using an earlier version of the questions, one couple did later marry. We already know another route to romantic attraction, doing something physiologically , like standing on a. We could include that too in these studies, to see how it works when there is also self-disclosure and responsiveness. So good luck, and do not forget that you can also use the questions to form friendships. Finally, just in case in all the hoopla this was missed, the rather high-minded goal behind all of this is for all of us to go deeper into love's underlying mechanisms, in order to advance basic knowledge about human closeness.

Do read more about their background, below. The initial rush of feeling. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common. These are still two of their very top emailed elements. The 36 Questions encourage us to open up at the same time and at a similar pace as our partner, reducing the likelihood that the sharing will feel one-sided. Whatever questions you use, they should gradually escalate in personalness. What do you value most in a note. But does being less prejudiced make you have these friends, or does having those friends make you less prejudiced. Share a total of five items. Tell your partner something that you like about them already. The risk seems to be greatest among the under 60s and when the prime of the partner was least expected A number of sexual fetishes considered anomalous in psychiatry are actually common in the general population, a study has found.